Creative drive vs Justification

I was once told that I shouldn’t keep making art or music unless it was making me money. To this day I don’t understand the thinking behind that. I’ve always been a work to live kind of guy and because I don’t spend much money my current “job” teaching kids to play drums at a local primary school as well as part time employment for a local T-shirt manufacturer is enough (although this is only because I live with my parents so of course I’m mooching off of them and not truly supporting myself, I’m not deluding myself into thinking this is actually enough work to live off of). When I started to tell people I wanted to be more serious about making art and making music people asked me “Is that what you want to be, an artist/musician?” and my answer was always no, I didn’t want to “be” an artist, I just wanted to continue drawing, painting etc. I didn’t want to be a musician, I just wanted to continue making music.

I put up a video for my band a while back (linked here if you want to listen to an instrumental 3-piece band with a video that makes us all look like teenagers) as well as more recently one to my personal YouTube account (linked here if you're interested in a video that is rife with self-deprecating humour) and I remembered something; the same thing I remember every time I post something to my blog or to my DeviantArt page; I’m never happy with it. It doesn’t matter how many views I receive, how many indications that someone likes the thing, I’m never happy. I’m not interested in seeing other people praise my work and I in fact would prefer they criticised it; then I could focus on what I could improve. Art, music and even blog posts are only really valuable to me as a sign of progress; the moment I’m completely happy with something I don’t think I’d be interested in making it anymore and in no way does the response from others give me any real reason to continue; that only comes from my own creative drive. Yet there’s a trap I seem to fall into all the time; if someone were just to favourite something I put up on DeviantArt I’d be happier than I was before, if I got a subscriber on my band’s YouTube channel I’d be happy, if I got over 10 views on a blog post I’d be happier still etc. but I’m not. At some stage all of these goals were ones I had for my content and thought that would drive me further in my respective pursuits, but upon reaching these tiny insignificant goals I didn’t feel anything. The only thing that keeps me creating anything is the drive to improve, to surpass.

So if it’s a trap to think that praise could drive me further in my various pursuits then so too is the notion that for something to be worthwhile it needs to be earning money. Now, the purpose of life is too big a question for anyone to answer, and certainly not something I want to attempt, but I think there are certain elements that many would agree on as being part of some sort of “end goal” for life if you will, having or raising kids, a successful relationship or marriage and meaningful friendships or relationships outside of your significant other are all fairly common answers to these sort of questions. Well-paying work or a successful career are also common answers, but ones that I feel are traps once again; if you aim to be fulfilled in your work that’s fair enough but if you aim to be successful (read: wealthy) then, unless your work is innately something you want to do for its own sake (read: if you weren’t being payed you’d still want to do it) then your goal is probably getting in the way of your other hobbies, desires or interests. So I’ve always thought, even though I do very much enjoy teaching drums and as far as work goes also like selling and assisting in the manufacturing of T-shirts, I love to play music, I love to create art and if I can continue to do so why should it matter if no-one else cares? I care

I may not love what I produce, I never have and probably never will, but I do love producing it. I, as a person, possess little that I really love or care about, but my drive to create and its independence from other people’s opinions is something I do like about myself. I won’t justify my desires by your interpretations of what is worthwhile and neither should you. The courier might love training dogs, the secretary might love producing electronic music and the lawyer may love campaigning for charities, your job isn’t who you are, what you do outside of it is. Next time someone asks you what you do ask them what they mean, because it almost always means work, but they’re almost always more interested in what you want to do outside of work. Many people get frustrated at being labelled so don’t allow someone to do so, own who you are and what you love and don’t let anyone tell you it isn’t worthwhile because only you can make that decision

If you want to justify or criticise my opinion, write a comment below and I’ll be sure to work up massive anxieties about what a stranger on the internet thinks about me. Cheers, hope you have a good one.